The Golden Days of Summer

Anybody remember being a kid during summertime? It was a magical time with zero obligations. You woke up in the morning and the only thing on your agenda was the best ways to have fun and play. I feel like Claire is experiencing that time right now and I want to make it as sweet for her as it was for me. Summertime is about water balloon fights, otter pops, and fireworks. It is about sleeping in and staying up late. We have been doing lots of fun things lately and I don't want to spoil her but I do want to make some great memories.

I posted this picture on my instagram yesterday and it totally reminds me of my own childhood. My dad worked at Wet and Wild when I was a kid, which meant free water park passes for my family. During the summer we spent at least three days a week at the park. We constantly had wet shorts and popsicle stains on our faces I remember it as a golden age in my childhood. Some days we were able to ride every slide in the park in a single visit.

This is how a kid should spend their summer. Not with their eyes glued to the screen of a tablet or sitting in front of a TV. Get out and take the summer back today.

Good Grief

This is a topic I haven't shared much about considering how big apart of my life it is right now. My little brother Alex died three months ago. I didn't see it coming but I should have. Alex left the mortal world willingly, after fighting severe depression for about a year. I knew he was hurting but I had no idea how much pain he experienced on a daily basis. His loss has been hard on friends and family and many of us are going through cycles of grief.

To fully explain my own grief, I need to go back in time a few years. I have dedicated the last five years of my life to working with youth and multiple treatment centers. I've had the privilege to spend time with a lot of great kids. Many of them shared their stories with me  and opened up about their struggles. Some of these stories are really heart breaking. I always tried my best to be a supportive mentor and help in any way that I could.

When I received the news about Alex I was driving to a job interview with Utah's Juvenile Justice division. I couldn't believe it was real and I experienced the first step of the grief process.

1. Denial:

I didn't believe that Alex was really gone I asked my dad on the phone three times what he was talking about. This didn't last very long before I moved into the next stage.

2. Anger:

I had to table my anger to an extent because I chose to go through with the job interview I was driving to. I thought that if I went, and I got the job I could be a lot closer to my family during the tough times to come.
When I got home I wouldn't let anyone hug me. I'm a Southern boy and we often solve problems with our fists. I felt like I needed to fight someone. Only there was no one to fight. Alex wasn't murdered, he made the choice himself. But I wasn't mad at him. My eyes had finally been opened to the pain he had been experiencing over the last year. So, my anger turned to myself for not being there when he needed me.

3. Bargaining:

I took the anger and frustration I was feeling with myself and I started going through all the options the could have happened. I call this playing  out the "should-a, would-a, and could-as."
I was driving to Northern Utah for my job interview the night he died and there is a small possibility that, I had driven straight to him, I could have stopped him. The problem is, I had no idea where he was, nor did anyone else. This is one example of something that really couldn't have happened but I can't help but think about all the possibilities. The things I wish I had done differently. This is what bargaining looked like for me.

4. Depression and Isolation:

This happened earlier for me. I mentioned that I wouldn't let anyone hug me. I have felt sad throughout the process and continue to feel it. I don't think I will ever stop missing him. I didn't fall into the kind of depression that keeps you from getting up in the morning and losing motivation to live. The depression is very real and can be totally debilitating.

5. Acceptance:

Alex wrote me a letter before he died. He had chosen to say goodbye in his own way long before I realized. In the letter he told me that I am strong, and that I will survive this and continue to thrive. This gave me the drive I needed to keep living. It wouldn't have made him happy for me to mope around for the rest of my life. I now try to live for Alex in any way that I can. I still live for me and my family but I often think what Alex would do. I ended up getting the job I interviewed for and I'm currently staying with my parents. This has been really helpful for both parties. We often stay up late sharing fun memories of Al. Living for him has helped me get to this stage.



I am not a therapist or any kind of mental health professional but I still learned a lot over the years. In reality I didn't know anything. I thought I knew pain but I wasn't able to see the full extent of the real pain my own brother was experiencing.

Not long after Alex died I made the decision to become a mental health professional. I am going back to school for a masters degree next semester with he intent of becoming a therapist. I hope to eventually to offer my services for free if possible so that those in need don't have the financial excuse as to why they are not getting the mental help that they need.

I am still in the grief cycle. I have gotten to acceptance but I often go back to bargaining and sometimes anger. I imagine others are going through similar cycles in their own ways. I hope those of you going through the pain of this loss are reaching out in healthy ways. Anyone who is a friend to Alex is a friend to me. I'd love to talk to anyone who wants to share their experience with my brother.  Thanks for reading. Its helpful for me to write out my feelings and doing it this way makes me feel like maybe someone who is still really hurting can find some peace.

Feel free to contact me here or
Email: zachary.duty@gmail.com
or through the face book group where I will post this.

Take care on the other side my brother. 

Back At It

Back at It

After several years off I'm posting a blog. Many of you may know that I maintain a full time Vlog(video blog) called Your Daily Duty's. I spend a lot of time on the videos and I let blogging here fall by the wayside. I do enjoy the written word in addition to video so I'm recommitting to this blog. 

To start back up I want to set some goals. I've already shared some of these goals on my vlog, but it is a lot easier to organize my thoughts in writing. 

2016 Goals

• Run a marathon in less than 4 hours
• Pay off my car
• 1 month challenges

Long Term Goals

• Pay off all my debts: car, student loan, house, etc.
• Live financially free
• Travel: RV/Sailboat
• Provide free counseling

Some of these goals require a little explanation. Starting from the top. The first two are self explanatory but the third is a little different. I have an additional youtube channel called 1 month challenge. It is all about doing something for 30 days and seeing what kind of results you get. Right now I'm in the middle of trying to learn a song on the piano. I have no previous piano experience so it is a little tricky. My month is over and I just about have the song learned. Next month I'm planning on either going on 1 hike every day or possibly something else, I'm open to suggestions. 

Next up is paying off my debts and living financially free. My paycheck every month would go more than twice as far if I didn't have any loans to pay on. All I would have to pay is utilities, food and taxes. Being debt free brings a lot of freedom. I hope to create enough passive income to free me up so I can work on the things I really enjoy. You may notice most of these goals connect. 

Passive income is any money made without having to really do anything. A rental property that has positive cash flow after the mortgage is paid is an example of passive income. I hope to create more passive income and grow my youtube channel enough to provide an income fro my family. Which leads me to my next goal.

Providing free counseling is a huge one. In order to do that I need to be able to provide fro my family in other ways. Many people neglect their mental health needs because they can't afford it of they don't see it as a necessity. I know first hand that it very much is a necessity and I want to take away the excuse of cost. 

I think it would be really cool to travel around in a RV meeting with people, providing free counseling and getting a chance to see there world while were at it. Likely, most sessions would be via video chat but meeting face to face is also valuable. 

I'm still in the early stages of these goals and I have a lot of things to work out. Posting them here makes me more accountable. I'll post more on how I intend to achieve each goal. 

Its good to be back and I hope you stick with me. Be sure to check out our youtube channel: youtube.com/zachattackduty  

Life Without a Cell Phone

About a month ago I ditched my cell phone. I never made many calls and I was tired of paying for it. Not to mention that my carrier didn't have service in many areas I go to daily. Anyway, I really really love the freedom of it.

I ported my phone number over to google voice for a one time 20 dollar fee. I did it mostly because I wanted to keep my same number and my contract with my carrier was up anyway. So basically I check my "phone" online. Its just like checking my email. I get online and listen to voicemails and read texts. They also transcribe my voicemails so I can read them if I'm in class or meetings.

I can make calls and send as many texts as I want without worry of going over because there is no "over." I just plan a little different to make my calls and catch up on work when I have an internet connection(I don't have an internet connection at home right now).

Its amazing, I'm in control of who contacts me and when I want to talk to them. If I want to totally unplug and get away its easy. I realize this wouldn't work for everyone but its perfect for me. Everyone unplug and ditch your cell phones!

Pumpkin Diaper

Yes  its true I put my child in a pumpkin. I did it last year also. I thought it would be a cute idea to take a pic of her in a pumpkin every year. That would of course have us searching for some seriously large pumpkins as the years go by. I think it would be fun!

Claire on the other hand is not a fan this year

For some reason she kept saying she was cold. Really I think she didn't like the sliminess of it. When she got out she kept saying "yucky" and trying to brush off her legs. On the up side I look happy and festive in my overalls. 

Last year she was totally fine with it. 

Maybe she was just too young to be bothered with sliminess. Her birthday is October 19th so I really like the idea of an annual picture in a pumpkin. 

She liked it last year, hated it this year, maybe next year she will like it again. I hope to keep it going and have to search for some huge pumpkins in a few years, or learn to grow my own.

Zuty Out 

A Post About Posting

I set a goal to write in my journal everyday. This isn't exactly a journal but its close enough for me to count it. Some of you may have noticed that I recently redoubled my efforts with online material. I committed to a daily youtube Vlog:
https://www.youtube.com/user/ZachAttackDuty

I restarted an old cooking blog:

averagejoecook.blogspot.com

And I'm doing this blog. The name of the game is accountability. I want videos and memories of my young family recorded, so I committed to a daily youtube vlog. I feel accountable to youtube to do it. It seems silly but on days that I don't want to film I remind myself I committed to it and youtube knows it so I can't stop until I complete my online goals.

I've been meaning to learn some basic kitchen skills for a long time. The budget is a little tight right now and we can't afford to eat out like we usually do. When I say eating out I mean a run to taco bell for some cheap burritos. Anyway it isn't healthy and it could be cheaper if we knew how to cook.

So thats why I'm posting so much right now. I appreciate when people read my stuff and comment because I feel like I'm leaving a legacy or something. Join the conversation. I plan to keep this all up for at least a year. I even have another blog in the works right now.

If you are still reading congratulations. This hasn't been the most interesting blog but I felt I should explain the amount of content I'm putting up right now. If you keep up with it all you may get sick of me, but thank you.

Zuty Out

Just like my Dad

As I get older and hopefully wiser, I realize I'm turning into my old man. He is a pretty good guy to be like so I'm in good shape. I'm already starting to see Claire trying to do things that I do. This is where I'm a little concerned.

Am I a good example for my daughter?

Yesterday we went on a bike ride and she wanted to put on my helmet and wear my cycling shoes.

Its pretty cute right now, but it also has me worried. I don't do everything right and I'm afraid she will pick up some of my bad habits. She repeats everything I say so I've been trying to check myself and stop saying words like "stupid."

In the end I know I'm not going to be perfect and neither is she. I'm just going to enjoy it for now. She may not always want to do everything with me.